I had never felt more filled with God's presence than while I was pregnant with Olivia and a few months after her birth. In those moments I had such a hunger for God and I knew with all my heart that I could not face that journey on my own. I did not want to rely on my own strength and would call on God to carry me ever step of the way and He absolutely delivered. It was still difficult but I had such a peace through it all.
As my life began moving forward, I became busy, started working again and became distracted. My bible reading began slipping, I was so focused on trying to conceive again and caught up with other things around me. It did not happen overnight but fear and worry began to creep in and I really had to push to keep my mind focused toward God. I stopped asking for Him to guide my life, I began relying on my own strength.
Throughout the last year and a half, I have had glimpses of that same hope but it has not been the same. I gave fear/worry/doubt/anxiety full control of my life and emotions and entered a period of darkness. I know that dealing with grief has no timeline and that darkness will still try to creep in. Our family has taken a few hard blows over the last 2.5 years and I was just overwhelmed. Right now, and for the month, I have just felt renewed and have the hunger once again to be fully in God's presence.
I ordered a book to do a bible study with other women a few months ago and I am excited to finally start it again. I tried and only got through one paragraph and just could not do it, I was exhausted and beat down emotionally and just closed the book. It's Breaking Free by Beth Moore and I am glad to know that there are others who have done it before me so if I am stuck or need encouragement, I do plan on calling or messaging them!!
I know that God has some AMAZING plans for our family in the near future and I cannot wait to find out what they are.
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